If I were to pretend that you never did
exist,
That I never felt you kick,
that I never heard your heartbeat,
that I never saw your image
on an ultrasound screen...
Would this empty aching feeling
depart from my soul?
Or am I destined to spend
the remainder of days
searching for little boys
that are the age you should be right now,
first months, then years or twenty three.
It truly doesn't matter,
for you are not here with me.
I know I can't pretend
to break a bond as strong as this.
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My son, my son -
although you only dwelled within
and I had to say good-bye
before I ever said hello...
If this be your destiny
that from earth
you were truly meant to go...
I will savor the moments
when I did feel you kick,
when I did hear your heartbeat,
when I saw your image moving
on an ultrasound screen...
and know this empty aching feeling
will become a part of me.
Just as your gentle spirit,
lives on inside my soul.
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I must learn to live with peacefully,
this is our destiny.
No,
I never could pretend
that you never did exist...
for you have shaped my very being,
and I will always be your Mama...
for the bond will not be broken,
not by pain, not tears shed,
nor sorrow.
Our time will come...tomorrow.
by Tammy Tobac
in memory of
Tanner Jason Tobac
born into the arms of Jesus 9/30/99
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